I have some experience with this. My advice is that these episodes come in waves and thus a simple yet vital rule has literally kept me alive: don't do it; this will pass. That plus therapy and a brief stint on antidepressants swung me from suicidal ideation to optimism.
I do think you have to watch your environment too. Just like alcoholics don't typically hang out in bars, we shouldn't hang out in places/jobs that depress us.
All of this is easier to say than do. I wish you the best.
Thank you. I am unable to find a therapist, and I was unable to manage with antidepressants. My mechanism right now is "see if you still feel this way a week from now" which - so far - helps. It isn't so much that I changed my mind, but more that I understand that there are people that depend on me being around.
Job is indeed a major factor. I don't currently work in a great place - it is generally a rather toxic place - and age-discrimination is, like most of the industry, rife. Pushing 54 it is hard to find a new gig, especially in this market, which doesn't help at all. After 30 years working at the forefront of this industry solving some of the hardest problems around, my skills, experience, and insights are just no longer required.
Life circumstances have left me without any kind of options for retirement, early or otherwise, so this is me for the rest of my life; I'm likely to die behind my keyboard. I'd rather go out on my own terms, watching the sun set behind the sea.
Well what i can say is that there's always the possibility that you find true happiness somewhere you don't expect. It's gotta be somewhere you don't expect cause otherwise we'd have it by now! And since you can't expect it, you can't forsee it. But it's there, waiting for its moment.
I came close a couple times but I held on and eventually found things. One thing that keeps me on is wanting to fix things. It can be difficult to witness the ugliness of the world in perfect detail through the internet, but i believe it's actually better than it ever has been, and it's only improved because people like me decided to make it that way. You're just past 50 and you've worked some incredibly important jobs, corporate culture feels dime a dozen these days but that doesn't mean anything about your actual self worth. I can't even imagine all the knowledge and experience you have now! Learning one thing isn't just one thing, it's learning about the world, learning how to learn, and about all the things connected to it. Your knowledge is much more general than the words on your resume.
I can't tell you how to fix money, i know that's an extremely difficult problem for a lot of people and I've seen it hurt. But i can say that you must be an incredibly capable and knowledgeable person, who has true potential. The kind of thing that doesn't happen in a job, but in a spark. The kind of spark that you don't even know exists until it does. I hope you're doing okay friend
Not sure what to say, I always had family to catch me, intentionally or not, when I came even remotely close to what you are going through. All I can think of is this: nothing is worth sacrificing your life for. That, and most likely you are not alone, even if you din't know it. I am no religious person, so no prayers, but I sincerly hope you get through this!
I do think you have to watch your environment too. Just like alcoholics don't typically hang out in bars, we shouldn't hang out in places/jobs that depress us.
All of this is easier to say than do. I wish you the best.