Right to Repair does not ask that any user can do the repair or change the batteries, they ask that competent users and third party repair shops can do it.
So if an Apple hyper genius can do it there is no law of nature that makes it impossible for a competent non Apple genius to also do it.
If this is not enough I suggest they put more glue on the sensitive to Helium areas, I heard Apple glue is magic.
The criticism isn't just directed at Apple to be fair, but I think it is apparent that vendors don't want users to do any of that. This thinking is prevalent in many industries and it was just meant as a jab towards users that defend such practices with ridiculous excuses.
Sure, it would be users that need to demand it and they do not. So they get less capable products in the end.
If this is not enough I suggest they put more glue on the sensitive to Helium areas, I heard Apple glue is magic.